The Letting Go Part:
I cannot say when the “letting go” will happen or even how it happens. It just does, when you are ready. Everyone is different with the healing process. I will say this however, if the healing process takes longer than 2 years consider talking to a counselor. It is not shameful; it is not even weakness.
For me personally I think the letting go took a little longer, because of the situation. Jack and I are still married! So all the crap he has done, from the moment he left me the sentence always ends….we are still married. The kids around the girlfriend, days, weeks after he left….we are still married. Him moving in with the girlfriend and her 3 kids…we are still married. I don’t care that it is 2012 and our society takes marriage as a joke by having 55 hour marriages or 6 month marriages.
The letting go for me has taken place. Is it perfect? Is it in full affect? No I am only human . It’s the best it’s is going to get at this moment. Most of the letting go is for me, to maintain sanity; but a majority of it is also for my children. Despite the fact my children were the reason I would get so ticked at Jack’s actions and stand up for them. The kids do not need to see their parent with another partner while they are still married to the other parent. That’s not the example parents should be showing their children. I don’t care if it’s Jack, a man or woman I am still going to have the same opinion on it. I’m not a perfect parent. No one ever is a perfect parent. I also realized after talking with a great friend that I’ve been trying to save face for Jack, for the sake of his kids. It’s not my responsibility. It’s also not my responsibility to throw him under the bus either. It’s very hard to do both, but if I don’t just let it all go, I will lose my ever loving mind and my kids will end up getting hurt.
When did I know the letting go was taking place? The weekend that my son and I went on our over night camping trip. That Friday I picked him up at Jack and the girlfriends house. The girlfriend was out in the yard making her presence known. My daughter came running up to me while I sat in my car on the other side of the street waiting for my son. My daughter and I were talking and out of the corner of my eye I saw the girlfriend give my son a big hug. I didn’t care. There was NO feeling what so ever. I have no doubt the girlfriend loves my children. In the mere nano seconds I did notice, I saw it was a genuine hug. (I’d be lying if I said I didn’t take notice cause I am a women….we notice and see everything).
Jack came over to the car handed me the 500.00 for this month that he has graciously given to help financially with the children, said he would drop our daughter off after work on that Sunday around 6. I just asked who was watching her while he worked and he said “she is,” with his eyes darting over to the girlfriend. I didn’t respond…I did roll my eyes though I am sure and didn’t say a darned word. My only response was that I would call him once my son and I came out of the mountains. Long gone are the days of me rushing to accommodate him. This was time for my son and I; I was not rushing back on account of Jack.
I am not sure if he was waiting for a fight. Before, the fact that she was watching my kids would have caused a fight. His words before, would have come on like a heart attack before. What can’t do it yourself big boy? Nope not this time. As much as I would have taken my daughter with us; my son and I needed this time together, without little sister. It might be catty but at this point my thoughts are, she wanted Jack bad enough, she gets the whole deal. That is not to say I am going to use her or even Jack for that matter. But there will come times when I may need to go out of town or want to take my son or my daughter; not both to something and Jack will be the first one I call to take care of the other one. When that does happen, I am sure I will get flack and be judged by them and I am not going to have any sympathy or feelings of guilt because for 13.5 years while married to Jack I never knew what a break was, or all the stuff he got to do in those years of marriage and I ended up taking care of the kids. Kick it on in the driveway buddy. So that weekend…I did let go. Like I said it’s not perfect.
Here’s what I have learned about the letting go part. Maybe some will not agree with me but it’s like the forgiveness and forgetting. We can forgive someone for what they have done to us; but we don’t ever forget the hurt that they have caused. Even when we stop hurting, we do not forget what was done. I recall sitting in church shortly after Jack and I separated and the sermon was about forgiveness. Forgiveness is not for the other person who has hurt you or done wrong. Forgiveness is for that person who has been hurt to help them heal. I do not believe in the saying “Forgive and forget.” I seriously doubt a family member who has forgiven a murderer for taking their loved one away is going to “forget” that their loved one was taken away from them. I have forgiven and let go of things people have done in the past to me; but I haven’t forgotten.